On South Street There Was An Accident
I remember seeing it through the kitchen window:
someone's car and a tree, clenched together
in an invective against physics, all hissing
and weird.
That night, the moon installed itself over South Street
and everything was a black & white version of itself.
Dinner was on the stove. It too, hissing
and weird.
Fueled by a beery logic, I advocated for a detatched
responsibility--an accurate want, like a vision of
myself out there in that marriage of shattered oak
and lonely metal.
The moon still up there like a dead clock.
South Street still refusing the premise of color.
You lie in bed, once again victim to a merciless
form of sleep, your blackish hair inhaling the blue-tinted
sounds of sirens.
I wonder, did they ever wake you?
We've known each other too long,
swallowing each other like mirrors on
a dazed planet.
Brain,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see this poem around again...I really enjoyed what you did with it in your workshop draft. Again, you managed to provide some pretty fresh language while tempering it with a twist on reportage. If I remember correctly, there were moments in your previous draft that touted the line with the surreal, and I think that you've done a good job of pulling back just enough to provide rattling clarity, while leaving the surreal marrow.
One thought: You again give us the You persona (presumably the speakers love interest.) Give us more of this character, I think the poem could encapsulate a far greater degree of complexity if you invest in this second persona. I hope this helps. I look forward to what you come up with.
There is some good solid language in this draft, and it is a very fun read. As I read the draft, I am impressed by your description of the scene, but I would like to know where the 'you' character fits in. 'You' is introduced late in the draft, and very little information is given. How is this character related to the speaker, and what would necessitate their presence in the draft? Your final stanza,
ReplyDelete"We've known each other too long,
swallowing each other like mirrors on
a dazed planet."
is an excellent place to continue describing 'You'.
You might also consider introducing 'you' earlier in the draft, cutting back and forth between 'you' and the scene of the crash.
If you don't want to make the draft any longer, you might consider cutting the character altogether, and try finding a way to salvage the language generated around them, because it is good.
Brian, I like what you've done in this draft. It has more specificity and seems much more grounded than your initial workshop draft.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the guys' comments above, introducing the "you" earlier in the poem would be interesting. I keep wondering who he/she is. Still, I continue to love the image of the "blackish hair inhaling the blue-tinted sounds of sirens."
The few things I would change grammatically are the repetition of "itself" in the first stanza. You mention it twice within two lines. I felt as though it interrupted the flow of the stanza. Also, the moon "still up there" is vague. I like the idea of the moon as a dead clock but how can you make it more specific.
Have you ever seen Salvador Dali's paintings "The Persistence of Time" and "The Moment of Explosion"? Your poem somehow reminds me of these two paintings. Best of luck with any future drafts.