The year was long,
and the summer hung
over us like your father’s shotgun.
When July reared its drowsy head
our minds were flooded with irreducible patterns.
We interpreted phrases and made connections,
orchestrating a painfully complicated theory
about rivers.
You were a factory: and I
was your column of smoke,
tumbling, full and dark,
like blackstrap into the noontime haze.
I realize, now, that I have misspent too much time
closely examining the controlled melancholy
of a ticking wristwatch.
The comparison, such as "over us like your father's shotgun" is an image that has weight and a great deal of clarity (meaning..I can see and feel that image). However, there are times when the language seems too complicated and hard to follow. For example, the lines "orchestrating a painfully complicated theory" and "closely examining the controlled melancholy" could possibly be more clear and specific. At this time, it is difficult for me to grasp these images.
ReplyDeleteFirst, you have some incredibly provocative images and language within this draft. Three examples I especially enjoy are "You were a factory and I was your column of smoke", "the summer hung over us like your father's shotgun" and "the controlled melancholy of a ticking wristwatch." However, does the draft tend to remain too focused on the one subject of what seems to be a couple during their summer fling?
ReplyDeleteCould it help to "get off subject" in future drafts? What else happened to these two people during that fateful July? Was the factory used metaphorically in stanza 3 a real place? If so, did these two ever wonder inside to sneak around?
Also, what kinds of specifics could be implemented into the draft to clarify the setting for the reader? For example, would it help to detail what make and model of shotgun the father owned (this could be anything from a family heir-loom to a sawed off used to rob the town laundry mat...each carrying with it vastly different connotations for the reader), what color is the factory smoke, what kind of factory is it, and what was the name of the river in stanza 2?
Could experimenting with specifics such as these within the poetic language of this draft help to flesh out a sense of clarity in the poem and allow or venues of expansion?
I disagree somewhat with Rachel, because of what I see you working with in this draft. It appears that you are trying to setup the language of machina in line such as when the speaker is "examining the controlled melancholy/of a ticking wristwatch." I see where this could be dangerous, but piling all this complicated language on top of a simple image such as "a ticking wristwatch" or "rivers" lends a kind of latinate build up leading to a simple explanation. If misused, which the portion "[w]e interpreted phrases and made connections,/orchestrating a painfully complicated theory" comes very close to doing, you would have a "tell, don't show" piece. I believe that further drafts could tighten this image, but it is still strange and interesting.
ReplyDeleteAs in so many of your drafts I admire your ability to juxtapose the colloquial even beautiful image with the strangely cold and stark image.
ReplyDeletePerhaps some more of that figurative language and imagery will help you to clarify meaning.
I often like to borrow from other drafts, and here is some interesting language from one of your earlier pieces. You might want to reshape this language for this piece to help create a new draft
"Sneaking off to Magnolia,
On a diplomatic mission"
"By breakfast, your thoughts had joined my own."
"I served myself the potatoes, you had a salad
everything picked out except lettuce.
I felt more profoundly than ever. "
You might put it together with your first verse, which is quite short, to create greater detail and more imagery.
Sneaking off to Magnolia,
On a diplomatic mission
The _______ was long,
and the ___________ hung
over us like your father’s shotgun.
When July reared its drowsy head
our minds were flooded with patterns of______
and _________.
I served myself the potatoes, you had a salad
everything picked out except lettuce.
I felt more profoundly than ever,
that you were a factory: and I
was your column of smoke,
tumbling, full and dark,
like blackstrap into the noontime haze.
We interpreted phrases and made connections,
orchestrating a painfully complicated theory
about rivers.
I realize, now, that I have misspent too much time
closely examining the controlled melancholy
of a ticking wristwatch.
By adding our past specific imagery to this piece you might be able to create another draft that has better imagery. I also did this with the piece that you looked at on a single subject, and then I sent it to Dr. Davidson for a complete overhaul. Just thoughts for a new draft. Love to read your work,
Jeff